Anthropological guide to the Psychedelic Dancefloor
Written by Gurik Zed, head of the Trancentral Scientific Expedition
Illustrations by Brian.A
Our brave scientific team spent a long time in psychedelic Festiland and is back with fascinating anthropological facts and observations about the different tribes inhabiting it. Read to know more about them !!!
This is in fact the very first time a research of such scale is being made within Festiland – a wondrous continent, located far away from the reach of the modern society, rich with natural resources and populated by vast variety of aboriginal cultures.
This article is the first fruit of a very long and tremendous anthropological scientific effort.
After a long journey and profound observations made by a team of our top-notch researchers and anthropologists we present our readers with the full summary of our fascinating study and its precise and yet astonishing conclusions. This is in fact the very first time a research of such scale is being made within Festiland – a wondrous continent, located far away from the reach of the modern society, rich with natural resources and populated by vast variety of aboriginal cultures. We’re proud to be the pioneers and the first ones to set foot and truly learn some of the endless wonders of this wild land and its mysterious civilization. Many more fruits and studies are yet to come. For now let us introduce you to six of the biggest tribes inhabiting the Festiland valleys…
The first clan we’d like to present to you are the Drugius Pusheris. Even though at first it might seem hard for the naked eye to spot its members, they are scattered all over the festival land and considered to be one of the most significant pillars of the culture, a link without which all other lifeforms won’t possibly be able to survive the delicate and harsh conditions of the micro universe they lovingly call THE SCENE.
Equipped with religious items such as small, old generation Nokia phones and a tiny spoon hanging on the neck (which we believe signifies their long lasting pledge to feed the hungry and the needed of the planet) – the average Pusheris is often found wandering around the camping area
People of this tribe are often referred as “The Medicine Men”, “Dealer” or “The Connection”. Their sacred and uneasy task is to supply the dancefloor and provide its inhabitants with all sorts of magic spices and remedies so vital for their ecosystem and ongoing biorhythm as well as for their various, religious practices.
Each year, during their mating (festival) season the Drugius Pusheris gather around from all corners of the globe in order to mingle, exchange merchandise, information and experience, but most important – to perform an old ritual called “Hitting on Girls” which assumes mating with the attractive females of the dancefloor land (preferably those of the notorious Japaneesus FairyPrincessus tribe). It is mostly crucial for the preservation of their species.
The origins of Drugius Pusheris may vary and their roots can be found almost on every continent and land known to mankind. And yet our researchers have found that many of them come from the warm climate of the Middle East. That conclusion leans on the fact that their majority are characterized by extremely active hand movement and use some sort of a weird language with an obvious biblical accent and such mating calls as “Ahi”, “Kapara”, “Neshama”, “Mami sheli” and “Eizo kusit ya wuaradi” which are widely popular among them.
Each year, during their mating (festival) season the Drugius Pusheris gather around from all corners of the globe in order to mingle, exchange merchandise, information and experience, but most important – to perform an old ritual called “Hitting on Girls”
Equipped with religious items such as small, old generation Nokia phones and a tiny spoon hanging on the neck (which we believe signifies their long lasting pledge to feed the hungry and the needed of the planet) – the average Pusheris is often found wandering around the camping area, doing what he loves the most – acting fishy with members of other tribes (whom he refers to as his “clients”), bloating (“getting fucked” as they call it) on his own stuff while telling everyone around that he (and he alone) has the best and the purest “shit” ever (!), made exclusively for him by the mighty god “Hoffman” himself right before he passed to Valhalla!
Another fascinating group that has caught our attention are the Speakera Humpinasos. Regardless the fact that it consists mostly of those considered to be the youngest, relatively new to the scene and less experienced in terms of evolution – yet they are one of the most religiously-enthusiastic groups, true believers and loyal servants of the ALL MIGHTY SPEAKER (whom the locals refer to as “The Bringer of the Bass”, “Source of all that can be Heard”, “The Cradle of Melody” and “The Destroyer of the Eardrum”).
They are relatively easy to find: besides the external features… (such as notable sweatiness, shirtlesness and an intense movement of extremely locked jaws) they are usually spotted due to their infamous custom of shoving their head as deep as possible into the mouth of the HOLY SPEAKER
They are relatively easy to find: besides the external features typical to this group (such as notable sweatiness, shirtlesness and an intense movement of extremely locked jaws) they are usually spotted due to their infamous custom of shoving their head as deep as possible into the mouth of the HOLY SPEAKER, as an act of indisputable, self-sacrificial faith and of course – deepest love and devotion to their religion.
The Humpinasos find it necessary to repeat that custom as often as possible in order to truly embrace the love and divinity of the “SOUND SYSTEM” (aka “The FUNKTION ONE”), which according to their folklore is the alpha and omega, the universe itself and the source of all that is life. The mighty Speakers are the gateway to that divinity. Hence it is believed that the closer the nose of the “listener” gets to the membrane of the speaker – the greater his faith is and the more of the sacred sound he shall absorb. Some even take it few steps further while truly humping the speaker, moving back and forth, side to side as if making love to it passionately. In such sensual way they pray for the SOUND SYSTEM to help them reproduce and insure the continuation of their species. In fact they believe that the very first “Humper” came out of the speaker as he was born!
In such sensual way they pray for the SOUND SYSTEM to help them reproduce and insure the continuation of their species. In fact they believe that the very first “Humper” came out of the speaker as he was born!
It would be fair to say that Speakera Humpinasos are often frowned upon by other groups and tribes of the Festiland. Many believe that their fanaticism comes as a result of an exaggerated abuse of medicines, given to them by the Drugius Pusheris tribe. There might be some truth to it as before and after the humping ritual members of the tribe are commonly found either laying in the bushes unconsciously or wandering around in lively conversation with invisible spirits.
Due to their extremely decreased hearing, a total lack of preservation instinct and/or self-awareness this tribe is a true evolutionary paradox, and its very existence and survival are a complete mystery to us.
This particular clan also holds a pretty notable appearance that cannot be missed. Their unique look tends to highlight their long-lasting yearning for the pre-historical era, when mankind roamed the earth in packs and had the freedom to choose: whether to chase a mammoth or run as fast as possible so not to be raped by a gorilla in heat.
The most notable attribute of this group is their hairdo and the wondrous specifics of the way they treat and set it: each strand of hair is arranged to resemble a long pipe, similar to a tentacle, so the whole head of the Gypsitrion acquires a fantastic shape of an un-yet-discovered post-nuclear-apocalyptic breed (as if a tarantula and an octopus had to morph into one creature – a TARACTOPUS), having a will and a life of its own.
Their unique look tends to highlight their long-lasting yearning for the pre-historical era, when mankind roamed the earth in packs and had the freedom to choose: whether to chase a mammoth or run as fast as possible so not to be raped by a gorilla in heat.
Yes, when it comes to hair the Rastadreadlike Gypsitrions take the subject very seriously, for it serves as the dominant symbol of one’s status within the tribe and his/her place in the clan’s hierarchy. Similar to the infamous biblical tale of Samson – they believe that the very essence of life (as well as one’s power and force) is held within the hair (“Dreads” or “Rasta” as they call it). Therefore, the massiveness of it is considered most important – the longer and wider the Dread-tentacles are – the wiser, more popular and powerful is the Gypsitrion growing them. To single out the beauty of it – tribe members tend to decorate their dreads with all sorts of accessories, such as feathers, jewels, beads etc. For some Gypsitrions the condition of the dreads is so important that they intentionally avoid washing it (or generally avoid any sort of shower) not to accidentally harm it, so that not a single hair will be washed away, bringing – as they believe – a curse on a head it grew upon. Some of the tribe’s females will take it even further by intentionally growing as much hair possible all over the body (legs and armpits are no exception) simply to annul the fear of not having enough of it.
For some Gypsitrions the condition of the dreads is so important that they intentionally avoid washing it (or generally avoid any sort of shower) not to accidentally harm it, so that not a single hair will be washed away
The Rastadreadlike Gypsitrions are a social species who tend to migrate in small packs using their national source of transportation – old, wrecked RVs. The pack is very important and the tribe tends to do everything together. It’s very rare to find a lonely Gypsitrions in the wild or on the dancefloor, as there are always three or more of them stomping around nearby. As the nature’s children that they are, the Gypsitrions will always prefer the woods, bushes or national parks as their place of habitat (temporary as it might be). Even in a completely urban area, rich with buildings, hostels and guest houses – they are most likely to be found drifting from one park to another and camping among the trees.
Another important artifact of this clan – which every male Gypsitrion holds dear – is an object called “Chilum”. Not only that this long, round and hollow pipe serves its owner (as well as other members around him) in medicine consumption ritual, but due to its similarity with а form of a “dread” (and – as the phallic symbol that it is) it either represents the might and power held in the hands of its owner (the bigger the chillum – the stronger…you get the idea) or comes to compensate the owner for his various deficits.
Although we’re not certain about their ethnical origins – we tend to believe that their roots go all the way to India, as they talk about “Mama India” way too often, while greeting others with a common “Namaste”, praising Shiva and shouting “Bolenat”. Yet we’re not sure if these are truly a sort of cultural odds and ends or a matter of consensus and conformism, a sort of trend, so to speak.
Similarly to Drugius Pusheris, members of the DJwannabesus Knowitalius tribe are not so easy to immediately spot, even though they are actually more than willing to be seen. Indeed they’re a kind of living absurdity: they do tend to put a lot of thought in their appearance, dress up well, according to the “right” tone (set by the freshest and hottest of Festiworld brands) and serve as a living fashion statement. And yet these attributes of appearance don’t seem to catch many eyes and characterise them as well as their overall attitude does.
The most preferable spot and common place of inhabitance for them is the bar area, or if they are lucky, the backstage, where the tribe members are usually found engaged in their favorite activities, such as mingling with other Knowitallus, complaining on the way things are around the dancefloor these days, dwelling on the past and remembering the good old times
This is probably one of the most restricted and resorted groups of the dance floor, and joining the Knowitallus, entering their inner circle while gaining their trust is a significantly uneasy task. Needless to say that members of this clan are often portrayed by other groups as narcissistic, snobbish, cocky and self centered. The thing is they truly, deeply believe that they are the SOUND SYSTEM’s chosen people, god’s gift to the world (the Festiworld) and the ones responsible for enlightening and educating the present and future generations of ravers (whom they often so commonly despise due to their musical ignorance and unwillingness to acknowledge – and as a result adopt – the TRUE ways of life, set and approved by the Knowitallus in the name of the old gods and the new).
It is very unlikely to find a DJwannabesus engaged in the “digging the dancefloor” ritual among other tribes. The members of this group believe that this activity undervalues their divine nature as they are simply “too cool to dance”. When the music coming from the sacred speakers is found suitable and proper for the ritual and the dancing seems unavoidable – the Knowitallus will then nod his head to the rhythm in a majestic approval, blessing all that surrounds him with his laid-back stare of awesomeness. A pure moment of bliss!
The more DJ’s and Artists a Knowitallus knows – the more popular he is among his friends (or so he believes).
The most preferable spot and common place of inhabitance for them is the bar area, or if they are lucky, the backstage, where the tribe members are usually found engaged in their favorite activities, such as mingling with other Knowitallus, complaining on the way things are around the dancefloor these days, dwelling on the past and remembering the good old times when – in comparison to today’s overwhelming shit – everything was significantly better: the festivals were non-commercial, the medicines were stronger, the vibe was purer, the crowd was prettier and of course the music – ohhh, the music – was much more musical and true! That activity is actually spread mostly among the youngest of DJwannabesus who paradoxically have very little to nothing to do with the “old days”.
Another activity that people of the tribe are much enthusiastic about is meeting and mingling with the well known high priests of the SOUND SYSTEM (aka DJ’s or ARTISTS, who are the only ones allowed to touch the holy of holies – the majestic MIXER, and lead the dancing ceremony of the tribes). The more DJ’s and Artists a Knowitallus knows – the more popular he is among his friends (or so he believes). Therefore they will spare no effort to inform everyone they can about the close relationships, friendships and connections they have with some “big-shots of the industry”. In fact an average Knowitallus sincerely believes that he is all about music and Festiland culture and knows everything there is to know about it better than you or anyone else. His true destiny and calling is to find his place among those twisting the knobs of faith and sliding the faders of eternity of the MAJESTIC MIXER. Few of them actually manage to get there as it actually requires hard work.
Our next exhibit – the Spiritualis Homothirdeyeos tribe – are considered to be the most quiet and peace-loving of all Festiland natives. In fact they are so eccentrically peaceful and exceedingly spiritual that often they annoy other residents of the dancefloor with their obnoxious transcendence.
Armed with mala beads and yoga mattress, decorated with Aum / Sanskrit mantra / Sacred geometry tattoos and dressed up in the latest fashion of bed sheets & aladdin pants – the Homothirdeyeos wander around the plaza in a relatively slow, calm and meditative motion, like a divine lotus flower – elegantly floating down the city sewer.
they are so eccentrically peaceful and exceedingly spiritual that often they annoy other residents of the dancefloor with their obnoxious transcendence.
Yes, the Spiritualis are easy going, mellow and delicate creatures whose whole existence seem to emphasize the sanctity of life and the oneness of the universe. The quiet tone of their voice and whispery manner of speech will usually correlate with their body language to augment the dramatic effect of their enlightened presence. It is a sign of true awareness and a way of the tribe to recognize their own while exposing their awareness to others. Their dialect fascinates us not only due to its euphony but also due to the content of their common conversations which revolve around chakras, spirit and most of all – energy. In fact they mention Aum Law and positive energy so often that we tend to believe that in order to join this particular tribe one must get an electrician degree prior the initiation process. The clan seems to be solidly responsible for feeding the SOUND SYSTEM with its high voltage.
Similar to Rastadreadlike Gypsitrions – among other distinguishing attributes the Spiritualis Homothirdeyeos tribe members can be recognized by their head and facial hair, which is usually either very long, wavy and fully covering their whole physiognomy, or completely missing, leaving a bald version of Homothirdeyeos. Finding an in-between type is extremely rare.
In between rolling naked in mud and preaching/lecturing about the significant benefits of raw-vegan-gluten-free diet, the Homothirdeyeos are mostly found around the healing area or the chill out zone, engaged in their most favorite of social activities – hugging!
Not many people know but Homothirdeyeos also happen to be great storytellers by nature. Each year they return to the Festiland after a long vagabondage, loaded with fascinating stories of their recent journeys to the Far Eastern meditation retreat, the magnificent Rainbow gathering or the thrilling Vipassana. We’re not entirely sure what kind of sorcery the latest one refers to, but to us it sounds like a mystical ritual indescribable by words.
In between rolling naked in mud and preaching/lecturing about the significant benefits of raw-vegan-gluten-free diet, the Homothirdeyeos are mostly found around the healing area or the chill out zone, engaged in their most favorite of social activities – hugging! Spiritualis love a long, good (and sometimes awkward) hug more than anything! They love it so much that they’d literally hug everyone and everything they can: people, animals, rocks, trees etc. They take this matter so seriously that most of them find it necessary to attend different practices called “Yoga” to help them stretch their various body parts to excel the craft of hugging. The ritual, as we assume, allows the Spiritualis Homothirdeyeos to leech and suck up the life force of their interlocutor and thus survive and prosper.
Randomalis Cluberis Clulessus
This is a tribe of random tourists and former foreigners, who’ve recently decided to escape the harsh conditions of the polluted and extremely overpopulated Clubland and seek refuge in the wide-open spaces of Festiland, while assimilating in its culture. As typical immigrants they find themselves standing on a thin borderline between two cultures – a status that obviously troubles them. On the one hand, they are extremely enthusiastic about absorbing as much of the new civilization as possible, in order to blend in (in fact they are extremely enthusiastic about… everything!). On the other hand, they tightly hold on to the social norms, cultural values and traditions of their homeland, which makes them stand out almost as outcasts among other Festiland natives.
they are extremely enthusiastic about absorbing as much of the new civilization as possible, in order to blend in (in fact they are extremely enthusiastic about… everything!).
Not only that the Randomalis Cluberis Clulessus know very little about the local ways of life, music and culture wise (most of them do not speak the local language), they’re also very easy to spot due to their notable, “clubbish” appearance and style that includes different attributes such as buttoned/elegant Polo shirt, high heels, glittery skirts/shirts (glittery anything to be precise), skinny jeans, bleached hair, buckets of styling gel, striped glasses, light sticks etc. Some of them are so eager to blend in that they totally misinterpret the very little of the customs they are familiar with, which often puts them in a rather ridiculous position. An example of such is the belief some Cluberis Clulessus have, that UV light = Psy and as a result – dress up as an optical illusion (or should we say – optical error), wearing an extra-toxically-bright colored clothes which by nature glow when exposed to UV, making them look like an epileptic pedestrian traffic light.
some Cluberis Clulessus [believe] that UV light = Psy and as a result – dress up as an optical illusion (or should we say – optical error)
As mentioned, they have a tendency to exaggerate and are truly keen to be socially accepted. They make a huge effort to be liked and noticed by other natives: most of them are always eager to spoil others with drinks at the bar and the medicine they have. The youngest and less experienced are always in a stage of loving absolutely everyone and everything without any distinction and with no sense of criticism whatsoever (especially when the medicines are kicking in). They find everything – music, crowd, location – absolutely admirable and will lovingly shout out about it to whoever feels obligated to listen, due to the drinks and medicine he was offered. Speaking of which – some Cluberis Clulessus tend to exaggerate with that as well, but same as it is with clothing and style – they usually stick to their authentic consumption habits brought from Clubland and will mostly prefer “Clubish” stimulating medicines (given in a form of a pill or a powder), over the traditional, psychedelic ones. Even when given such traditional elixir – most Clulessus will act by the common symptoms remaining in a clearly “Clubby” state of mind. As a result most clan members develop extremely powerful jaw muscles. Yes, their jaws literally seem unstoppable.